Awake Again...

Starting early tonight... not even 10:00 yet, and I'm already awake from dreaming... hearing loud pounding at the back door and so frightened because I'm here alone... waiting,... hoping whoever it is will just go away and knowing deep inside it's Matthew and he's in trouble again.  How can he be here when he's locked up hundreds of miles away?  So, I finally get the nerve to go look and sure enough, there he is - knocking at the laundry room door and crying.  

I open the door and ask him what he's doing here... He says he got out early.  Really?  2 years early?  I don't think so,. and he says ok - we'll agree to disagree, but he's cold and hungry - I tell him he really needs to call the police and tell them where he is - doesn't he know he's putting me in jeopardy?  it's illegal for me to have him here - I can be arrested and sent to jail - if I let him in, it's a criminal act?  even if I am his mother?  

And so I awaken with a pounding heart and the sure knowledge I won't be going back to sleep any time soon... upset emotionally and physically exhausted - I don't like this life I live now.

Strange Dreams

Not much sleep last night... woke at 1:30 and was up for a couple hours before deciding to try again... tried again to no avail, so washed my hair, did some house work and when I finally fell asleep this morning around 5:30 I had very vivid dreams that finally woke me up around 7 - dreams like my front yard was kind of wild,... things were growing up and trees had been knocked down.  There were stumps every where and ratty dressed children playing on them, windy and chilly, I wondered where their parents were.  One of them was up in Larry's garden plowing.  The ground was so black and he had worked it enough, it was fine and smelled so rich.  I told Ginny about this man plowing Larry's garden and she said I'd given him permission.  I guess I did if she said so, but it was still kind of strange to see someone up there, when we both tried to remain kind of isolated back here.

Then I got back to Ginny's house after working all day only to have her tell me she was exhausted because the man I'd hired to do some work on her house had made her carry heavy hoses around the house for him to use.  I was so mad.  I stomped around the house to find men standing around drinking something. The head man was young and very fit - had no shirt on and was very cocky.  I told him I had hired HIM to do the work and paid him very well to do all the work and NOT my sister.  He just laughed and said "well that's the problem with sisters" - I was just livid. It was just unbelievable to me that all those men were fit and young and still had the grey haired sister fetching and carrying for them - MAD!

Woke to snow and cold and an undecided day.  Katie wants me to meet her in Hagerstown. I don't want to be gone from Ginny for so long, especially since I plan on being gone all day tomorrow... if I can get Frannie to come help her.  

It also came to me in the middle of the night that I've been avoiding the fact that Larry is gone.  It's really so easy to do - just to tell myself not to think about it.  I've mastered that particular gift long ago and most of the time can pull it off with no problem.  Last night was harder.  How long can I keep shutting it out?  as long as I can, evidently.  

Tears in my Ears

I’ve got tears in my ears from lying on my back while crying over you

… The words to this old song came to me whilst lying on my back on the couch crying… it’s 2014 a year he’ll never be in… 2 days ago it was 4 weeks since he died… tomorrow is a month… etc.

The thoughts that run thru my mind, I’m sure are normal, they’re just so painful.  Whilst cleaning, I wonder how long it will be before there are none of his fingerprints left in my house?   How long will it be before there’s no scent of him in his closet? How long til’ a day passes without pain?  I know a year of firsts is a milestone.  So this is the first New Years Day alone.  I can’t imagine what the next year will bring.

I should be building myself up spiritually.  I should be reading Scripture to surround my mind and heart with comfort of the ages.  I have promises, a whole book full of them that I’m not utilizing.  And the thought comes… I still have to go thru the process – I still have to do the time that brings me out on the other side.

Today I have to dry mom’s clothes.  Today I have to wash my hair.  Today I have to get things together for the probate appt. tomorrow.  These are the things I have to do. And so I will…

 

Widow

4:30 in the morning and here I sit surrounded by piles of tissues I've had to use since last night.  Another reality check.  It doesn't matter how ludicrous, funny or weather related, there's no one to share the thoughts with.  No one who knows me so intimately that they totally "get" me.  And it's a horribly lonely feeling.

I spent the week of Christmas with the Daughter.  and it was good - for both of us I think.  Something so different from how all the years of Christmas' have been.  She lost her Daddy too, so it's not like I'm having to deal with people who don't understand. We went to Christmas Eve services which is something we'd not been able to do for 20 years due to the grandson's birthday falling on Christmas Eve.  And that was good too...

Last night I realized that the years of living with a recluse has for all intents and purposes made me one too.  I don't have that many friends I can call when I'm having a hard time.  They all have families of their own and there are times when it's a good time to talk to them.  Early morning for Trisha and mornings also for Fran.  I feel the need to be in my own home before it gets dark which is also when I feel most alone.  Seems like I should be able to figure out how to deal with both at the same time.

I finally got the book from Shelly that I'd been waiting for.  The things I underlined years ago and the notes from Pastor Ron really hit home.  The truths expressed there are no less true today.  Heaven is never really silent, we just don't have the ears to hear always. 

The God of Israel, the Savior, is sometimes a God that hides Himself but never a God that is absent; sometimes in the dark, but never at a distance. (Matthew Henry)

I need someone who's been here to talk to.  I know all the grief processes, and the reality of the new normal,... but I still need someone to share it with and I just don't know any new widows.  There's also the whole thing about how different people deal with things differently,... my sister's mother-in-law couldn't bear to be alone in her own home so for months after her husband died, one of her kids spent the night with her.  I couldn't stand that I don't think.  I need the aloneness to deal with the grief - I have to learn how to do this.  I know there's a way.  Hundreds of thousands of women over the centuries have been where I am and learned how to live a different way... At present tho, I'm just staggering around lost trying to figure it out. 

I fall back on the old "today" philosophy - Today I have to go to Chambersburg to talk to Bettylou Hawbaker about getting an income set up for me - today I have to wash my hair - today I've determined to unpack my suitcase.  If I can get those things done, it will have been a successful day and one more I have under my belt as "widow".

I slept in my own bed last night... something I'd been avoiding for some obscure reason - the couch and sleeping in my clothes just seemed the thing to do.  Maybe the bed is symbolic of normalcy and since nothing is normal, ... well... let's just say, last night I slept there and it was one of the "things" I was having a hard time with.  Of course, I still woke up at 3 a.m. so I don't know quite what the benefit was supposed to be all about.

 

Day before last, one of my sisters-in-law called and asked for my mother-in-law's recipe for caramel cake.  For years I'd been the only one to make it and it was strange.  Kind of like sharing the special memories specific to just the two of us.  Since I spent time in her kitchen learning how to make it and having her watch me make the icing several times til I got it right... it was like giving up something very intimate and personal... I'm sure Debbie didn't get it and never will.  The ingredients were all she had and the instructions were ones I wrote (not too professionally either) - like "just beat the heck out of it"... another part of my life taken too soon, it seems. It was hard to give it up, but I hope I did so with graciousness... it does seem  like it could have waited for a little while tho.  Again, I'm being concerned about things that seem so trivial compared to the real loss...

18 days

Today is Larry's Birthday - he should be 61.  And I am leaving home.  The daughter thinks it would be a good start to a new normal if we didn't sit in his house missing him over Christmas.  New beginnings - not better - not worse,... just different. I don't want to do this!  I don't want to learn new things that don't include him.  18 days - not enough for me not to be howling in pain and grieving the emptiness of this world.

I am leaving my little sister alone meaning I'm alone without the little sister too.  How will we manage it? I miss her already and I'm not even gone yet.  I need to call her and get her to teach me how to skype or google talk or whatever it is she does with her grandkids. 

I think I'll do that now instead of sitting here thinking on what's missing... 

There Should Be Another Name for Dreaming

Today at 7:09 AM

Woke from a nap feeling the full force of my new normal. Walked in the door and immediately looked to see if his bedroom door was closed (meaning he was sleeping) then looked toward the bathroom to see if he was in there – only to be hit again with the fact that he’s nowhere to be found and won’t. I was on the phone with Ginny and screamed "NO" – falling to the floor and bursting not into tears but howling deep gut wrenching mourning that made her drop the phone and rush over – for some reason she wound up on the floor with me but she was laughing (perhaps at the noises I was making)? Very disturbing way to come to consciousness…

Tears Aplenty

I bought tissues - 5 boxes of them, knowing that probably won't be enough... and wish I'd only bought one at a time.  These have so much lotion on them, mostly they just smear tears and makeup all over instead of absorbing them.  Tears won't be stopped.  Last night they ran so freely I soaked the front of my turtle-neck sweater and I had to change.  

This is so hard - a lot of the time with his bedroom door closed, it's like he's just in there sleeping.  But he isn't and he's not coming back.