Awake Again...

Starting early tonight... not even 10:00 yet, and I'm already awake from dreaming... hearing loud pounding at the back door and so frightened because I'm here alone... waiting,... hoping whoever it is will just go away and knowing deep inside it's Matthew and he's in trouble again.  How can he be here when he's locked up hundreds of miles away?  So, I finally get the nerve to go look and sure enough, there he is - knocking at the laundry room door and crying.  

I open the door and ask him what he's doing here... He says he got out early.  Really?  2 years early?  I don't think so,. and he says ok - we'll agree to disagree, but he's cold and hungry - I tell him he really needs to call the police and tell them where he is - doesn't he know he's putting me in jeopardy?  it's illegal for me to have him here - I can be arrested and sent to jail - if I let him in, it's a criminal act?  even if I am his mother?  

And so I awaken with a pounding heart and the sure knowledge I won't be going back to sleep any time soon... upset emotionally and physically exhausted - I don't like this life I live now.

Strange Dreams

Not much sleep last night... woke at 1:30 and was up for a couple hours before deciding to try again... tried again to no avail, so washed my hair, did some house work and when I finally fell asleep this morning around 5:30 I had very vivid dreams that finally woke me up around 7 - dreams like my front yard was kind of wild,... things were growing up and trees had been knocked down.  There were stumps every where and ratty dressed children playing on them, windy and chilly, I wondered where their parents were.  One of them was up in Larry's garden plowing.  The ground was so black and he had worked it enough, it was fine and smelled so rich.  I told Ginny about this man plowing Larry's garden and she said I'd given him permission.  I guess I did if she said so, but it was still kind of strange to see someone up there, when we both tried to remain kind of isolated back here.

Then I got back to Ginny's house after working all day only to have her tell me she was exhausted because the man I'd hired to do some work on her house had made her carry heavy hoses around the house for him to use.  I was so mad.  I stomped around the house to find men standing around drinking something. The head man was young and very fit - had no shirt on and was very cocky.  I told him I had hired HIM to do the work and paid him very well to do all the work and NOT my sister.  He just laughed and said "well that's the problem with sisters" - I was just livid. It was just unbelievable to me that all those men were fit and young and still had the grey haired sister fetching and carrying for them - MAD!

Woke to snow and cold and an undecided day.  Katie wants me to meet her in Hagerstown. I don't want to be gone from Ginny for so long, especially since I plan on being gone all day tomorrow... if I can get Frannie to come help her.  

It also came to me in the middle of the night that I've been avoiding the fact that Larry is gone.  It's really so easy to do - just to tell myself not to think about it.  I've mastered that particular gift long ago and most of the time can pull it off with no problem.  Last night was harder.  How long can I keep shutting it out?  as long as I can, evidently.  

Tears in my Ears

I’ve got tears in my ears from lying on my back while crying over you

… The words to this old song came to me whilst lying on my back on the couch crying… it’s 2014 a year he’ll never be in… 2 days ago it was 4 weeks since he died… tomorrow is a month… etc.

The thoughts that run thru my mind, I’m sure are normal, they’re just so painful.  Whilst cleaning, I wonder how long it will be before there are none of his fingerprints left in my house?   How long will it be before there’s no scent of him in his closet? How long til’ a day passes without pain?  I know a year of firsts is a milestone.  So this is the first New Years Day alone.  I can’t imagine what the next year will bring.

I should be building myself up spiritually.  I should be reading Scripture to surround my mind and heart with comfort of the ages.  I have promises, a whole book full of them that I’m not utilizing.  And the thought comes… I still have to go thru the process – I still have to do the time that brings me out on the other side.

Today I have to dry mom’s clothes.  Today I have to wash my hair.  Today I have to get things together for the probate appt. tomorrow.  These are the things I have to do. And so I will…