Widow

4:30 in the morning and here I sit surrounded by piles of tissues I've had to use since last night.  Another reality check.  It doesn't matter how ludicrous, funny or weather related, there's no one to share the thoughts with.  No one who knows me so intimately that they totally "get" me.  And it's a horribly lonely feeling.

I spent the week of Christmas with the Daughter.  and it was good - for both of us I think.  Something so different from how all the years of Christmas' have been.  She lost her Daddy too, so it's not like I'm having to deal with people who don't understand. We went to Christmas Eve services which is something we'd not been able to do for 20 years due to the grandson's birthday falling on Christmas Eve.  And that was good too...

Last night I realized that the years of living with a recluse has for all intents and purposes made me one too.  I don't have that many friends I can call when I'm having a hard time.  They all have families of their own and there are times when it's a good time to talk to them.  Early morning for Trisha and mornings also for Fran.  I feel the need to be in my own home before it gets dark which is also when I feel most alone.  Seems like I should be able to figure out how to deal with both at the same time.

I finally got the book from Shelly that I'd been waiting for.  The things I underlined years ago and the notes from Pastor Ron really hit home.  The truths expressed there are no less true today.  Heaven is never really silent, we just don't have the ears to hear always. 

The God of Israel, the Savior, is sometimes a God that hides Himself but never a God that is absent; sometimes in the dark, but never at a distance. (Matthew Henry)

I need someone who's been here to talk to.  I know all the grief processes, and the reality of the new normal,... but I still need someone to share it with and I just don't know any new widows.  There's also the whole thing about how different people deal with things differently,... my sister's mother-in-law couldn't bear to be alone in her own home so for months after her husband died, one of her kids spent the night with her.  I couldn't stand that I don't think.  I need the aloneness to deal with the grief - I have to learn how to do this.  I know there's a way.  Hundreds of thousands of women over the centuries have been where I am and learned how to live a different way... At present tho, I'm just staggering around lost trying to figure it out. 

I fall back on the old "today" philosophy - Today I have to go to Chambersburg to talk to Bettylou Hawbaker about getting an income set up for me - today I have to wash my hair - today I've determined to unpack my suitcase.  If I can get those things done, it will have been a successful day and one more I have under my belt as "widow".

I slept in my own bed last night... something I'd been avoiding for some obscure reason - the couch and sleeping in my clothes just seemed the thing to do.  Maybe the bed is symbolic of normalcy and since nothing is normal, ... well... let's just say, last night I slept there and it was one of the "things" I was having a hard time with.  Of course, I still woke up at 3 a.m. so I don't know quite what the benefit was supposed to be all about.

 

Day before last, one of my sisters-in-law called and asked for my mother-in-law's recipe for caramel cake.  For years I'd been the only one to make it and it was strange.  Kind of like sharing the special memories specific to just the two of us.  Since I spent time in her kitchen learning how to make it and having her watch me make the icing several times til I got it right... it was like giving up something very intimate and personal... I'm sure Debbie didn't get it and never will.  The ingredients were all she had and the instructions were ones I wrote (not too professionally either) - like "just beat the heck out of it"... another part of my life taken too soon, it seems. It was hard to give it up, but I hope I did so with graciousness... it does seem  like it could have waited for a little while tho.  Again, I'm being concerned about things that seem so trivial compared to the real loss...

18 days

Today is Larry's Birthday - he should be 61.  And I am leaving home.  The daughter thinks it would be a good start to a new normal if we didn't sit in his house missing him over Christmas.  New beginnings - not better - not worse,... just different. I don't want to do this!  I don't want to learn new things that don't include him.  18 days - not enough for me not to be howling in pain and grieving the emptiness of this world.

I am leaving my little sister alone meaning I'm alone without the little sister too.  How will we manage it? I miss her already and I'm not even gone yet.  I need to call her and get her to teach me how to skype or google talk or whatever it is she does with her grandkids. 

I think I'll do that now instead of sitting here thinking on what's missing... 

There Should Be Another Name for Dreaming

Today at 7:09 AM

Woke from a nap feeling the full force of my new normal. Walked in the door and immediately looked to see if his bedroom door was closed (meaning he was sleeping) then looked toward the bathroom to see if he was in there – only to be hit again with the fact that he’s nowhere to be found and won’t. I was on the phone with Ginny and screamed "NO" – falling to the floor and bursting not into tears but howling deep gut wrenching mourning that made her drop the phone and rush over – for some reason she wound up on the floor with me but she was laughing (perhaps at the noises I was making)? Very disturbing way to come to consciousness…

Tears Aplenty

I bought tissues - 5 boxes of them, knowing that probably won't be enough... and wish I'd only bought one at a time.  These have so much lotion on them, mostly they just smear tears and makeup all over instead of absorbing them.  Tears won't be stopped.  Last night they ran so freely I soaked the front of my turtle-neck sweater and I had to change.  

This is so hard - a lot of the time with his bedroom door closed, it's like he's just in there sleeping.  But he isn't and he's not coming back.

Middle of the night meanderings

Today is Dec. 8 - Larry died on the 2nd - and I am getting an inkling of what truly alone will be like.  I keep thinking of things I want to ask him... For years he was just in the other room sleeping, and now I spend a lot of time with that mindset.  But he's not ever going to wake up and there are no more chances to ask him things.

Friend Pat is in ICU in Martinsburg with sepsis - I was there yesterday morning early and could go up now, but probably won't.  There is real danger of her dying - I feel for her family and wish I could help some way.

Today the weather is supposed to be nasty.  Ginny has already decided not to try to go to church.  We thought we'd do small house church.  I found a video about the prophecies of the Old Testament being fulfilled in Jesus birth & life.

I've only been on facebook once since Larry died... read something snarky there from a family member and decided not to go back again.

I have a picture Shelly took whilst I was sleeping in hospital of me holding onto Larry's hand.  I told her I don't even have one of those from our wedding - a really sweet picture.

I don't feel comfortable anywhere.  I ate dinner at Ginny & David's the other night and then felt I had to leave.  I guess I just don't want to be anywhere Larry isn't, and he's nowhere...

That last night as my husband lay moaning thru the morphine, I played Vince Gill singing "Whenever You Come Around..."  hoping he'd remember the words and how true they once were.  After that his moans became a kind of humming of the tune..."I get weak in the knees and I lose my breath. O I try to speak, but the words won't come, I'm so scared to death.  When you smile that smile, my world turns upside down... whenever you come around..."  A very sweet memory.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6CP4q2NsnM 

Published on May 1, 2012

Whenever You Come Around lyrics
Songwriters: Wasner, Pete; Gill, Vince;

The face of an angel, pretty eyes that shine
I lie awake at night wishing you were mine
I'm standing here holding the biggest heartache in town
Whenever you come around

I get weak in the knees and I lose my breath
Oh I try to speak but the words won't come I'm so scared to death
And when you smile that smile, the world turns upside down
Whenever you come around

And I feel so helpless I feel just like a kid
What is it about you that makes me keep my feelings hid
I wish I could tell you, bu the words can't be found
Whenever you come around


I get weak in the knees and I lose my breath
Oh I try to speak but the words won't come I'm so scared to death
And when you smile that smile, the world turns upside down
Whenever you come around



Had a nice visit with Todd earlier this week... whilst MaryAnne was here.  Surprising how much we have in common - the roads we've traveled experience wise have brought us to pretty much the same place spiritually.  "Church" as a unit has failed us (or we have failed it) and for myself, mostly, I just think I need to see a need and fill it if I can and that's my religion...

James 1:27 NAS

New American Standard

Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this : to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.

I don't take the "widows and orphans" part literally.  My heart reaches out mostly to the children - those who live around me with need for clothing/warmth and food - There is no sense in any child being hungry - or cold.

So I did something hard today - something I don't usually have to worry with... I called an old friend of Larry's and asked him to come plow out my driveway next time it snows - since I'm kind of isolated back here, I need to have someone I can trust let everyone know I don't necessarily need any of that kind of help. 

DEC. 9

This morning early I dreamed about Larry... he was talking about all the things he still wanted to get done around the house... and I kept thinking, "you're not going to be here..."  Then I woke and indeed, he's not here - very hard start to the day.

No Time

Eight days ago we left the house in the morning for a routine Dr visit. By noon hubby  had been admitted for some tests, and by that night we knew he was dying. Today he can barely turn himself over and in such pain it's inhuman. How did this happen so quickly? I hate this for him. I hate the pain and the knowledge that he's so done and that he wants it over.

There are events that happen tho that are reminders that there are uplifting events... tonight Larry was sick at his stomach and the nurse was in the room with him so we stepped out for a few minutes. Very faintly I heard singing. Silent Night from another room with another cancer patient dying on thanksgiving... touched me deep down.

There is no time for blogging.  Can't do it in hospital and time at home is either sleeping or quickly doing all the other things needed so I can go to hospital.

In a state of flux...

Hoping that word means what I think it does... just kind of in limbo - not emotionally one place or the other (I think we've gotten over the shock) no real revelations from the Father (praying the scripture didn't work out so well) Larry's neither better or worse (that we can see) - just being.

I've not been thinking about the future or what it will mean to us - since his treatment, he's been in so much pain that the only hope we have is that it's the chemo killing the cancer.  Until we go back to the Dr. on the 11th, we won't know if it's working or not.  and even if it is, for how long? and will he continue to be in so much pain? and will he think it's worth it? and will the transplant board accept him as a candidate?

Using the scripture as a prayer guide isn't what I need at present.  I feel (emphasis on feel) like until God reveals what's next, that my faith is in limbo too - this isn't something I can easily explain, but until I see Him do something that verifies what I already know,... I guess I'm one of those who needs a sign (perhaps another non-coincidence)?.  Even tho I know with my head that all is  exactly as it should be.  So little sister introduced me to a minister (I don't even know his name) who has an online sermon series based on verse by verse lessons on Romans.  He's very thorough and my faith is fed thru his constant reminders that we live and are saved by faith.

The medicine seems to be working (or else I have just gotten used to the idea of Larry's cancer).  I noticed that, still, like it was with Dad, I can be doing fine until someone asks about Him and I have to talk about it.  Then the tears start. 

I've had an earache for the last few days that's very reminiscent of how I felt when I had shingles.  I've started taking old meds that were leftover - and it seems to be working.  I really need to get the shot.  The thoughts of myself being incapacitated when there's so much only I can do is overwhelming.

So I haven't been posting.  I guess the very fact that I have nothing new to post is what's post worthy.  HA!

Rainbows

Good grief!  It took me a good 5 minutes to find out how to create a new posting just because I'm not on my own computer.  Here I sit in the hotel business room whilst Larry is upstairs sleeping.  It's already been a long day and tomorrow will be worse.

Today we drove to Baltimore for Larry to have tests to see if they can define the cancer, if it's contained,  if they can shoot it with chemo, or if it's a hopeless case - first they'll shoot dye into it so they can see exactly how much or little damage has already been done.  It's one of those nights where this time tomorrow my world could lie in rack & ruin.  Not that it's ever going back to the way it was again.  I know that.  But today things seem kind of normal.

This morning I got up and took one of the new little pills the Dr. gave me so I could function thru what is coming... actually I only took half one because I knew I had a lot to do.  Nonetheless, sister MaryAnne came to pick up some of her clothes and visit a little. ..

Now here's the thing.  I love rainbows.  I've always loved them and as far back as I can remember, I've had crystals hanging wherever the sun is likely to shine just so I can have them.  I wanted my children to grow up with them I wanted the happiness, the cheerfulness and most of all, I wanted the reminder of how they are a reminder of the promise the Father made and that He is always faithful.

There have been times over the years I've had rainbows for no particular reason, just a sudden shower and there's the gift.  Or sometimes it's not even raining when I see them.  And I always get the warm fuzzy feeling that the Father just hugged me - gave me that gift.  Just for me and no one else. 

Even 6 years ago - the day after Christmas.... I went to PA to get the granddaughter to bring her down to spend some of her Christmas vacation with us.  There were rainbows in the sky that day.  I  remember the rain, I remember Katie talking to my sister - and her taking pictures of them, I remember telling the granddaughter what they meant to me - how the Father is always faithful... I remember singing "God is so good..."  and then I don't remember anything else until I woke in the hospital in pain with both arms broken, internal injuries, glass in my hair and a terrible long recovery filled with physical therapy.  BUT I was not dead.  and I should have been - when a drunk hits you head on going 60 miles per hour - when the car crumples around you until there's barely enough room for your body - when they have to cut the car apart and slide you out sideways... you should be dead.  Dr.'s don't know why I'm not I don't know why I'm not. 

A couple days ago I was talking to sister Ginny... and she said it was raining on her house - not the house next door and not on my house - just Ginny's house.  A little while later she had to go to Food Lion and don't  you know there was a rainbow?  she took a picture of it for me - and I'll post it when I know more...

Back to MaryAnne - she was sitting at my kitchen table eating toast and jelly and I was looking at the circlet of rainbows around the whole kitchen and past... and she told me I had rainbows in my hair.  So I posed for her to take several pictures (I'll post them when I get them, if I can figure out how).  And I thought - it's an omen - maybe for good - maybe for not - but still and all - a reminder to me today of how the Father's faithful.  And no matter what tomorrow brings, He never changes.

Early Morning #2

So I went to Dr. Funk yesterday and told her all that had been going on with Larry.  And that between what was going on with mom and him and the sister and the son, I just couldn't cope.  I don't understand the whole weaning myself off Wellbutrin in the first place, unless He thought I'd need something different from now on.  For certain, I won't be able to afford the Brand name anymore.  So we've gone with generic at a lower dose with a side of lorazapan thrown in. Last night I took one of those and was out like a light.  Awoke feeling refreshed and clear headed, so I guess it's gonna be a friend.

Got the Nexavar yesterday and Larry took the first dose last night.  The side effects sound devastating.  Perhaps he won't have all of them.  This medicine will not kill the cancer or be a cure in anyway, only serving to slow the growth and perhaps keep him going until there can be a transplant.

I also need to remember to start a list of the meds I'm taking now to keep with me - 

Dr. Funk also said she had nothing from Mercy Medical center concerning Larry at all.  Pretty sure we asked for his records to be sent more than once.  Today I will fax their #'s to her and maybe she can get a response.  From here on out, any tests that need to be done, I'd like to have done here.  I'd also like for her to be able to keep closer watch on both of us.

So this morning I'm feeling pretty normal - pretty in control.  Even I know that's an illusion.  There can only be One in control and I'm pretty sure I'm not the one.  Regardless, I'll read a little more Bible, carry a Godly thought back to bed with me and when I waken again, I'll start with the little mindless chores that are my life, thankful that there are chores and things needing my attention that have nothing to do with sorrow and loss. God is good - All the time.

Rested = Sane?

For the second night in a row I've had 6 or more uninterrupted hours of sleep.  Day before yesterday I had the unwelcome feeling of out of control weeping... prompting me to call the Dr. to see about starting anti-depressants again.  Even tho I was sure getting off them in the first place was "Father arranged".  She has not returned my call yet. I understand she's in office only 2 days this week and has already a full to overloaded schedule.  And that's OK.  Yesterday I felt myself again, and today promises to be even better.  I had thought it would be nice to have them in hand - just in case. Insurance that makes my lack of faith glaringly visible.

Bible reading this morning didn't touch any chords with me, tho I did write down a portion of the beginning prayer to ponder and refer to during the remainder of the day.

"May our love for You express itself in our eagerness to do good for others."   Kind of the "be ye kind one to another" thought that is never out of style or fashion... One that is dear to my heart.

Today UPS will deliver the horridly expensive chemo meds that have thru some arrangements I'm not sure of been given to us for 20 something dollars.  I'm fairly certain they will make Larry sick and he has had to promise he will take them all - no matter what.  I feel for him.  No one wants to do something guaranteed to make them feel bad on purpose, regardless of the knowledge that it's good for them. 

Today I need to see about making the back of our car  comfortable for him to rest in on the way back from hospital next Tuesday.  Today I need to clean out the fridge.  Today I need to keep my mind centered on the knowledge that He holds us in the palm of His hand securely. Today I need to not worry or let my mind wander to the uncertainty of the future.  Today will be a good day whatever it brings.

Today

It's quarter after 5 in the morning.  I've been up since 1:30 - again... It seems 4 or 5 hours of sleep a night is all I can manage lately.  It messes with my mind.  I don't know how badly it's affecting my mood or understanding.  I do know the last few days have been hard - I feel isolated and alone even tho I know I'm never alone.  Ps. 139 (I hope that's the one) says there is no where I can go and be away from the Father.  I've been teary and again I don't know if it's lack of sleep, or the sheer knowledge of how horrid the next couple of years is going to be or if it will even be 2 years... is it the depression? lack of meds?  Surely not, since I feel the weaning off the meds was a "God thing".  Is it the weather?  It did rain pretty heavy for 4 whole days.  My husband is dying! Surely a few tears are understandable.  But the uncontrollable tears are so reminiscent of the years of depression.  I don't feel like I'm under any particular attack of satan.  This is just life.  It's not like we didn't know it was coming.

I guess the feeling of aloneness is really foremost in my mind right now.  I do feel I'm still in recovery from depression.  I don't know how to do "life".  For years I isolated myself --

"Supportive relationships are crucial to overcoming depression.  Maintaining connections with people is not always easy, because we see ourselves as no fun to be around or as unworthy of friends.  We can convince ourselves that since we have nothing valuable to offer in a relationship,  no one would want to connect with us.  So why bother even trying"?  (Getting Past What You'll Never Get Over - by John Westfall).

So the thought just came to me - the "how" of getting thru the coming events - Today I have to try to get a nap before work.  Today I have to work a full day.  Today I need to come home and rest up for tomorrow.  Today I need to call the Dr. for an appt.  Today I need to remember I am not alone.  Living in the present is where I need to be Today. 

New Answers for an Old Need

You gotta love Pinterest - there's so much there to explore - interesting things to see/do - so yesterday I pinned something about how to have meaningful quiet time for busy people.  It was ok but not really what I needed. However, there was a link there for "Lectio Divina" - after going to the webpage, I realized it was exactly what I needed.  A way to pray for a person uncomfortable with prayer.  Depression for so much of my life kind of spoiled prayer for me - the cynical thoughts that "God's going to do what He wants anyway... why bother"? spoiled it for me.

So here's a way to pray that can't be rejected, because it's the Father's own words that I'll be using.  Fittingly, the first scripture for my new journey was Luke 11:5-13... Persistence in prayer is what He wants, expects, and honors - (coincidence?  I think not).  The continual realization and verification that there are no coincidences goes far toward the continual "refreshing of my spirit".  I know the next couple of years is going to be unbearable, unless I have a storehouse of the Father's Word firmly entrenched in my mind.  As to remembering what I've read, that's going to have to be in the Father's hands as well... I remember a time when all I had to do was mentally ask, "What's the answer?" and the proper scripture would pop into my mind.  I miss those times.  I miss the intimacy that was there... I pray it will come back.  There was a self righteousness and distinct lack of humility that went with the gift back then.  I pray also if He should so gift me again, I'll be more careful.  More aware.  More thankful of how precious that gift is.

So comes to me the most basic, true and always acceptable prayer - again scripture - "God, have mercy on me, a sinner..."  All the other things I long for and all the other things I need are encompassed in that short but profound sentence.... His mercy is sufficient -

The Promise of Prayer

Prayer is the mother and daughter of tears.  It is an expiation of sin, a bridge across temptation, a bulwark against affliction.  It wipes out conflict, is the work of angels, and is the nourishment of everything spiritual.  (St. John Climacus, The Ladder of Divine Ascent)

Is it prayer?  If I address nothing in particular to the Father, but carry the thoughts, promises and assurances I've heard the last few days in my mind closely... is that prayer?   Is it trust?  Not making any conscious movements toward conclusion or determination... just waiting for whatever comes next with the faith that He will present me with the answer at the same time the question comes?

Is the verse that comes to mind I thought I had forgotten prayer?  I am certainly thankful for it.  

Too deep for me these questions at this time of day.  By this time I know my mind is done learning, noticing or even paying attention.  I'm done.  And still I feel in His presence... where I am, there He is also... maybe that's what prayer is.

Early Morning # 1

So named because I'll most likely be posting in the early morning with no thought or direction available to me yet...

The daughter is coming to see us today.  I hope she brings the book she's been telling me about.  Something I read and marked up/commented on throughout.  I don't remember the book and likely won't even after looking at it.  It was during what I call the "lost years"...

It's funny, I once found a Bible I had bought and evidently spent a great amount of time in, once again commenting in the margins and highlighting passages throughout with no memory of the book at all.  I think I gave it to my son.  Hopefully something I've marked will touch him sometime in the future.  Perhaps when his mother is no longer here to point things out to him.  Coincidence?  I think not.

The whole "it could be coincidence" thing has been happening a lot lately.  Coming to mind first is the car.  I had a perfectly good car, one I loved, very comfortable with all the bells and whistles you could want... a huge car just like the one that saved the life of myself and my granddaughter several years ago.  I got it in my head, tho, that I needed a small car - with the bells and whistles, but better gas mileage and sitting high off the ground so that I could drive to church after dark and be above the headlights of oncoming traffic.  So I got one - then there's the pants... I didn't really need new pants, but tried these on (half price sale at Kohl's with a 30% coupon) and since I liked the way they looked, as always, I bought 3 pair... They were a little loose, but if I washed them in hot water and dried them, surely they would shrink up...  and then there's the minister friend I've known since I was young... who lived nearby, and tho I hadn't talked to him in years, was still there.  Kind of like an old security blanket.  I didn't use our friendship much, but it was nice to know he was there if ever a need arose.  A few months ago he announced he was moving to Baltimore to start a new job... one he's particularly suited for - I thought it would be sad to lose his proximity, but since I didn't have close contact, that would be OK - I did want tho, to talk to him before he left - just to let him know I was OK and that I was well on my way to recovery from the depression that had marred so many years of my life. And then there's the whole Humana thing - that strongly recommended Larry get a colonoscopy now - soon - do it!!!  So we made appt. with a Dr. I'd seen before and on our first visit, he looked at test results our family Dr. had posted and seeing how high his tumor marker was (even tho we'd had a CAT scan that showed nothing,... called the best liver Dr. in Baltimore to see Larry ASAP - Two days later we took the tiny car I didn't need, wearing the pants that didn't shrink to an appt. with a Dr. we didn't know to have a MRI that showed clearly Hubby does indeed have liver cancer.  (do I start a new paragraph now?)

At any rate, I would have had a terrible time trying to maneuver the huge Buick around the unfamiliar Baltimore, to say nothing of trying to pay for gas and get home after dark with lights shining in my eyes... and sitting for the 2 hours it takes to get to Baltimore  plus sitting in hospital for days then driving back again means I'm so bloated and uncomfortable, no pair of pants I had would have allowed me any comfort at all... so I bought suspenders to keep these up and, even tho the minister friend hasn't been in Baltimore at the same time we are yet, it's good to know the security blanket is firmly in place and even if I don't have contact, except thru text/phone, I firmly believe if I need him, he'll be there...

This is how my relationship with the Father has always been,... more seeming coincidence than true guidance and leading... I've always said, obedience is easy, trust is hard - and it's as true today as it was when I was young... I trust there are no coincidences -

Stomach Ache

I will be learning as I go how to keep a journal of life as I see it at present.  As with any new endeavor, there is a certain amount of tension that comes with inexperience and age.  Thus the title.  Here I sit at the kitchen table with a lifetime of experiences and a need to put them down (whether for myself or my family, I know not). Already I am obsessing over grammar and punctuation.  So just accept that I am  partially educated and age has taken part of that away and we'll get along just fine.  Also, feel free to correct me at any time -  

Lets start with today, a sunny Saturday in the kitchen  with the husband at the computer in the other room, reading about how McDonalds is refusing to serve people with baggy pants any more.  A nice change from the last week when we learned about his liver cancer.  

To say I am overwhelmed is an understatement.  There are lists to be made, records to be kept, feelings that I don't want to forget and perhaps one day a comprehensive understanding of the processes of the puzzle that is my life.

First things first tho, chicken soup and apple dumplin's need to be made...