Widow

4:30 in the morning and here I sit surrounded by piles of tissues I've had to use since last night.  Another reality check.  It doesn't matter how ludicrous, funny or weather related, there's no one to share the thoughts with.  No one who knows me so intimately that they totally "get" me.  And it's a horribly lonely feeling.

I spent the week of Christmas with the Daughter.  and it was good - for both of us I think.  Something so different from how all the years of Christmas' have been.  She lost her Daddy too, so it's not like I'm having to deal with people who don't understand. We went to Christmas Eve services which is something we'd not been able to do for 20 years due to the grandson's birthday falling on Christmas Eve.  And that was good too...

Last night I realized that the years of living with a recluse has for all intents and purposes made me one too.  I don't have that many friends I can call when I'm having a hard time.  They all have families of their own and there are times when it's a good time to talk to them.  Early morning for Trisha and mornings also for Fran.  I feel the need to be in my own home before it gets dark which is also when I feel most alone.  Seems like I should be able to figure out how to deal with both at the same time.

I finally got the book from Shelly that I'd been waiting for.  The things I underlined years ago and the notes from Pastor Ron really hit home.  The truths expressed there are no less true today.  Heaven is never really silent, we just don't have the ears to hear always. 

The God of Israel, the Savior, is sometimes a God that hides Himself but never a God that is absent; sometimes in the dark, but never at a distance. (Matthew Henry)

I need someone who's been here to talk to.  I know all the grief processes, and the reality of the new normal,... but I still need someone to share it with and I just don't know any new widows.  There's also the whole thing about how different people deal with things differently,... my sister's mother-in-law couldn't bear to be alone in her own home so for months after her husband died, one of her kids spent the night with her.  I couldn't stand that I don't think.  I need the aloneness to deal with the grief - I have to learn how to do this.  I know there's a way.  Hundreds of thousands of women over the centuries have been where I am and learned how to live a different way... At present tho, I'm just staggering around lost trying to figure it out. 

I fall back on the old "today" philosophy - Today I have to go to Chambersburg to talk to Bettylou Hawbaker about getting an income set up for me - today I have to wash my hair - today I've determined to unpack my suitcase.  If I can get those things done, it will have been a successful day and one more I have under my belt as "widow".

I slept in my own bed last night... something I'd been avoiding for some obscure reason - the couch and sleeping in my clothes just seemed the thing to do.  Maybe the bed is symbolic of normalcy and since nothing is normal, ... well... let's just say, last night I slept there and it was one of the "things" I was having a hard time with.  Of course, I still woke up at 3 a.m. so I don't know quite what the benefit was supposed to be all about.

 

Day before last, one of my sisters-in-law called and asked for my mother-in-law's recipe for caramel cake.  For years I'd been the only one to make it and it was strange.  Kind of like sharing the special memories specific to just the two of us.  Since I spent time in her kitchen learning how to make it and having her watch me make the icing several times til I got it right... it was like giving up something very intimate and personal... I'm sure Debbie didn't get it and never will.  The ingredients were all she had and the instructions were ones I wrote (not too professionally either) - like "just beat the heck out of it"... another part of my life taken too soon, it seems. It was hard to give it up, but I hope I did so with graciousness... it does seem  like it could have waited for a little while tho.  Again, I'm being concerned about things that seem so trivial compared to the real loss...

18 days

Today is Larry's Birthday - he should be 61.  And I am leaving home.  The daughter thinks it would be a good start to a new normal if we didn't sit in his house missing him over Christmas.  New beginnings - not better - not worse,... just different. I don't want to do this!  I don't want to learn new things that don't include him.  18 days - not enough for me not to be howling in pain and grieving the emptiness of this world.

I am leaving my little sister alone meaning I'm alone without the little sister too.  How will we manage it? I miss her already and I'm not even gone yet.  I need to call her and get her to teach me how to skype or google talk or whatever it is she does with her grandkids. 

I think I'll do that now instead of sitting here thinking on what's missing... 

There Should Be Another Name for Dreaming

Today at 7:09 AM

Woke from a nap feeling the full force of my new normal. Walked in the door and immediately looked to see if his bedroom door was closed (meaning he was sleeping) then looked toward the bathroom to see if he was in there – only to be hit again with the fact that he’s nowhere to be found and won’t. I was on the phone with Ginny and screamed "NO" – falling to the floor and bursting not into tears but howling deep gut wrenching mourning that made her drop the phone and rush over – for some reason she wound up on the floor with me but she was laughing (perhaps at the noises I was making)? Very disturbing way to come to consciousness…

Tears Aplenty

I bought tissues - 5 boxes of them, knowing that probably won't be enough... and wish I'd only bought one at a time.  These have so much lotion on them, mostly they just smear tears and makeup all over instead of absorbing them.  Tears won't be stopped.  Last night they ran so freely I soaked the front of my turtle-neck sweater and I had to change.  

This is so hard - a lot of the time with his bedroom door closed, it's like he's just in there sleeping.  But he isn't and he's not coming back.

Middle of the night meanderings

Today is Dec. 8 - Larry died on the 2nd - and I am getting an inkling of what truly alone will be like.  I keep thinking of things I want to ask him... For years he was just in the other room sleeping, and now I spend a lot of time with that mindset.  But he's not ever going to wake up and there are no more chances to ask him things.

Friend Pat is in ICU in Martinsburg with sepsis - I was there yesterday morning early and could go up now, but probably won't.  There is real danger of her dying - I feel for her family and wish I could help some way.

Today the weather is supposed to be nasty.  Ginny has already decided not to try to go to church.  We thought we'd do small house church.  I found a video about the prophecies of the Old Testament being fulfilled in Jesus birth & life.

I've only been on facebook once since Larry died... read something snarky there from a family member and decided not to go back again.

I have a picture Shelly took whilst I was sleeping in hospital of me holding onto Larry's hand.  I told her I don't even have one of those from our wedding - a really sweet picture.

I don't feel comfortable anywhere.  I ate dinner at Ginny & David's the other night and then felt I had to leave.  I guess I just don't want to be anywhere Larry isn't, and he's nowhere...

That last night as my husband lay moaning thru the morphine, I played Vince Gill singing "Whenever You Come Around..."  hoping he'd remember the words and how true they once were.  After that his moans became a kind of humming of the tune..."I get weak in the knees and I lose my breath. O I try to speak, but the words won't come, I'm so scared to death.  When you smile that smile, my world turns upside down... whenever you come around..."  A very sweet memory.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6CP4q2NsnM 

Published on May 1, 2012

Whenever You Come Around lyrics
Songwriters: Wasner, Pete; Gill, Vince;

The face of an angel, pretty eyes that shine
I lie awake at night wishing you were mine
I'm standing here holding the biggest heartache in town
Whenever you come around

I get weak in the knees and I lose my breath
Oh I try to speak but the words won't come I'm so scared to death
And when you smile that smile, the world turns upside down
Whenever you come around

And I feel so helpless I feel just like a kid
What is it about you that makes me keep my feelings hid
I wish I could tell you, bu the words can't be found
Whenever you come around


I get weak in the knees and I lose my breath
Oh I try to speak but the words won't come I'm so scared to death
And when you smile that smile, the world turns upside down
Whenever you come around



Had a nice visit with Todd earlier this week... whilst MaryAnne was here.  Surprising how much we have in common - the roads we've traveled experience wise have brought us to pretty much the same place spiritually.  "Church" as a unit has failed us (or we have failed it) and for myself, mostly, I just think I need to see a need and fill it if I can and that's my religion...

James 1:27 NAS

New American Standard

Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this : to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.

I don't take the "widows and orphans" part literally.  My heart reaches out mostly to the children - those who live around me with need for clothing/warmth and food - There is no sense in any child being hungry - or cold.

So I did something hard today - something I don't usually have to worry with... I called an old friend of Larry's and asked him to come plow out my driveway next time it snows - since I'm kind of isolated back here, I need to have someone I can trust let everyone know I don't necessarily need any of that kind of help. 

DEC. 9

This morning early I dreamed about Larry... he was talking about all the things he still wanted to get done around the house... and I kept thinking, "you're not going to be here..."  Then I woke and indeed, he's not here - very hard start to the day.