Today

It's quarter after 5 in the morning.  I've been up since 1:30 - again... It seems 4 or 5 hours of sleep a night is all I can manage lately.  It messes with my mind.  I don't know how badly it's affecting my mood or understanding.  I do know the last few days have been hard - I feel isolated and alone even tho I know I'm never alone.  Ps. 139 (I hope that's the one) says there is no where I can go and be away from the Father.  I've been teary and again I don't know if it's lack of sleep, or the sheer knowledge of how horrid the next couple of years is going to be or if it will even be 2 years... is it the depression? lack of meds?  Surely not, since I feel the weaning off the meds was a "God thing".  Is it the weather?  It did rain pretty heavy for 4 whole days.  My husband is dying! Surely a few tears are understandable.  But the uncontrollable tears are so reminiscent of the years of depression.  I don't feel like I'm under any particular attack of satan.  This is just life.  It's not like we didn't know it was coming.

I guess the feeling of aloneness is really foremost in my mind right now.  I do feel I'm still in recovery from depression.  I don't know how to do "life".  For years I isolated myself --

"Supportive relationships are crucial to overcoming depression.  Maintaining connections with people is not always easy, because we see ourselves as no fun to be around or as unworthy of friends.  We can convince ourselves that since we have nothing valuable to offer in a relationship,  no one would want to connect with us.  So why bother even trying"?  (Getting Past What You'll Never Get Over - by John Westfall).

So the thought just came to me - the "how" of getting thru the coming events - Today I have to try to get a nap before work.  Today I have to work a full day.  Today I need to come home and rest up for tomorrow.  Today I need to call the Dr. for an appt.  Today I need to remember I am not alone.  Living in the present is where I need to be Today.