Middle of the night meanderings

Today is Dec. 8 - Larry died on the 2nd - and I am getting an inkling of what truly alone will be like.  I keep thinking of things I want to ask him... For years he was just in the other room sleeping, and now I spend a lot of time with that mindset.  But he's not ever going to wake up and there are no more chances to ask him things.

Friend Pat is in ICU in Martinsburg with sepsis - I was there yesterday morning early and could go up now, but probably won't.  There is real danger of her dying - I feel for her family and wish I could help some way.

Today the weather is supposed to be nasty.  Ginny has already decided not to try to go to church.  We thought we'd do small house church.  I found a video about the prophecies of the Old Testament being fulfilled in Jesus birth & life.

I've only been on facebook once since Larry died... read something snarky there from a family member and decided not to go back again.

I have a picture Shelly took whilst I was sleeping in hospital of me holding onto Larry's hand.  I told her I don't even have one of those from our wedding - a really sweet picture.

I don't feel comfortable anywhere.  I ate dinner at Ginny & David's the other night and then felt I had to leave.  I guess I just don't want to be anywhere Larry isn't, and he's nowhere...

That last night as my husband lay moaning thru the morphine, I played Vince Gill singing "Whenever You Come Around..."  hoping he'd remember the words and how true they once were.  After that his moans became a kind of humming of the tune..."I get weak in the knees and I lose my breath. O I try to speak, but the words won't come, I'm so scared to death.  When you smile that smile, my world turns upside down... whenever you come around..."  A very sweet memory.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6CP4q2NsnM 

Published on May 1, 2012

Whenever You Come Around lyrics
Songwriters: Wasner, Pete; Gill, Vince;

The face of an angel, pretty eyes that shine
I lie awake at night wishing you were mine
I'm standing here holding the biggest heartache in town
Whenever you come around

I get weak in the knees and I lose my breath
Oh I try to speak but the words won't come I'm so scared to death
And when you smile that smile, the world turns upside down
Whenever you come around

And I feel so helpless I feel just like a kid
What is it about you that makes me keep my feelings hid
I wish I could tell you, bu the words can't be found
Whenever you come around


I get weak in the knees and I lose my breath
Oh I try to speak but the words won't come I'm so scared to death
And when you smile that smile, the world turns upside down
Whenever you come around



Had a nice visit with Todd earlier this week... whilst MaryAnne was here.  Surprising how much we have in common - the roads we've traveled experience wise have brought us to pretty much the same place spiritually.  "Church" as a unit has failed us (or we have failed it) and for myself, mostly, I just think I need to see a need and fill it if I can and that's my religion...

James 1:27 NAS

New American Standard

Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this : to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.

I don't take the "widows and orphans" part literally.  My heart reaches out mostly to the children - those who live around me with need for clothing/warmth and food - There is no sense in any child being hungry - or cold.

So I did something hard today - something I don't usually have to worry with... I called an old friend of Larry's and asked him to come plow out my driveway next time it snows - since I'm kind of isolated back here, I need to have someone I can trust let everyone know I don't necessarily need any of that kind of help. 

DEC. 9

This morning early I dreamed about Larry... he was talking about all the things he still wanted to get done around the house... and I kept thinking, "you're not going to be here..."  Then I woke and indeed, he's not here - very hard start to the day.