Widow

4:30 in the morning and here I sit surrounded by piles of tissues I've had to use since last night.  Another reality check.  It doesn't matter how ludicrous, funny or weather related, there's no one to share the thoughts with.  No one who knows me so intimately that they totally "get" me.  And it's a horribly lonely feeling.

I spent the week of Christmas with the Daughter.  and it was good - for both of us I think.  Something so different from how all the years of Christmas' have been.  She lost her Daddy too, so it's not like I'm having to deal with people who don't understand. We went to Christmas Eve services which is something we'd not been able to do for 20 years due to the grandson's birthday falling on Christmas Eve.  And that was good too...

Last night I realized that the years of living with a recluse has for all intents and purposes made me one too.  I don't have that many friends I can call when I'm having a hard time.  They all have families of their own and there are times when it's a good time to talk to them.  Early morning for Trisha and mornings also for Fran.  I feel the need to be in my own home before it gets dark which is also when I feel most alone.  Seems like I should be able to figure out how to deal with both at the same time.

I finally got the book from Shelly that I'd been waiting for.  The things I underlined years ago and the notes from Pastor Ron really hit home.  The truths expressed there are no less true today.  Heaven is never really silent, we just don't have the ears to hear always. 

The God of Israel, the Savior, is sometimes a God that hides Himself but never a God that is absent; sometimes in the dark, but never at a distance. (Matthew Henry)

I need someone who's been here to talk to.  I know all the grief processes, and the reality of the new normal,... but I still need someone to share it with and I just don't know any new widows.  There's also the whole thing about how different people deal with things differently,... my sister's mother-in-law couldn't bear to be alone in her own home so for months after her husband died, one of her kids spent the night with her.  I couldn't stand that I don't think.  I need the aloneness to deal with the grief - I have to learn how to do this.  I know there's a way.  Hundreds of thousands of women over the centuries have been where I am and learned how to live a different way... At present tho, I'm just staggering around lost trying to figure it out. 

I fall back on the old "today" philosophy - Today I have to go to Chambersburg to talk to Bettylou Hawbaker about getting an income set up for me - today I have to wash my hair - today I've determined to unpack my suitcase.  If I can get those things done, it will have been a successful day and one more I have under my belt as "widow".

I slept in my own bed last night... something I'd been avoiding for some obscure reason - the couch and sleeping in my clothes just seemed the thing to do.  Maybe the bed is symbolic of normalcy and since nothing is normal, ... well... let's just say, last night I slept there and it was one of the "things" I was having a hard time with.  Of course, I still woke up at 3 a.m. so I don't know quite what the benefit was supposed to be all about.

 

Day before last, one of my sisters-in-law called and asked for my mother-in-law's recipe for caramel cake.  For years I'd been the only one to make it and it was strange.  Kind of like sharing the special memories specific to just the two of us.  Since I spent time in her kitchen learning how to make it and having her watch me make the icing several times til I got it right... it was like giving up something very intimate and personal... I'm sure Debbie didn't get it and never will.  The ingredients were all she had and the instructions were ones I wrote (not too professionally either) - like "just beat the heck out of it"... another part of my life taken too soon, it seems. It was hard to give it up, but I hope I did so with graciousness... it does seem  like it could have waited for a little while tho.  Again, I'm being concerned about things that seem so trivial compared to the real loss...